Stressful Situations Make Me Cry

Whenever I am put in a tight spot, in a stressful situation or in the middle of a very important discussion, I cry. You have no idea how embarrassing it could get! I really can’t help myself, it just happens, my eyes start tearing up, a lump forms in my throat, and as much as I try to blink back the tears I just can’t (*cue Let it Go). It would either result in people laughing at me, not taking me seriously, or just feeling sorry for me, which I absolutely hate. Or sometimes, if it’s a very intense discussion or fight, and I have a really important point to make, I’d just cry and won’t be able to get that idea through, which is really frustrating.

It has happened in all sorts of situations, like the days when I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life and what I should apply for in universities, so everyone would gather around me and keep asking me what my decision is. Or when I’m having a stupid quiet fight with my friends in the middle of the chemistry lesson, then suddenly start crying and claim I have to go blow my nose in the bathroom (yeah, no one believed me). Sometimes in urgent family meetings, when I’d want to share my opinion, I start tearing up, and it’s not until they ask me why I am crying that I actually start crying. And of course, the classic teacher shouts at me in the middle of the lesson, bringing me to tears and embarrassing me in front of everyone (I mean, we had a reputation to maintain in high school, and I sure didn’t want to end up with crybaby as my nickname). 

I DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS KEEPS HAPPENING! I guess it does release the tension when I’m under stress, but I can think of better ways to do that. I could take a guess and say it has to do with sharing my feelings with other people, something I’m not very comfortable with. Maybe it’s genetics (blame it on science), because my mom tells me she used to be the same way at my age. Maybe I just need to experience more of life, to understand more, so that I could handle situations like these. I just know that I need to stop this habit ASAP.

Peaches on the Apple Tree

Aunt Beulah

http://clipartmountain.com

In fourth grade, hoping to postpone our spelling test, my classmates and I clamored to repeat a newly learned April Fool’s song. Mrs. Paulson, hugely pregnant, plucked her ukulele, burped, and began: “Look out the window, what do you see? Peaches on the apple tree. I fool you; you fool me. This is April Fool’s day.”

Does anyone get excited about April 1st anymore? Or has the fun of fooling others faded because it’s a holiday without candy or presents?

In elementary school, we expended great effort throughout the day trying to trick one another with obvious ploys: We yelled “Mildred, look out!” then shrieked with laughter when she ducked. We claimed to see spiders in hair and flies in spaghetti. We loosened lids on saltshakers and swore the principal sent us with the note telling Johnny to report to the office “imeditly.”

The only person who never fooled…

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Grandma’s Walking Stick

A few days ago we went to my uncle’s house to celebrate his birthday. I was going to get some water when I saw a walking stick on a table next to the kitchen’s door. I immediately recognized it as my grandma’s, who passed away almost 4 years ago. A smile spread across my face when I saw the stick, and all the memories came flooding back. It had been four years since I’ve last seen it, four years since I last went to grandma’s house on a Thursday with all of my cousins and their parents, and ‘stole’ that walking stick from next to my her usual chair, took it apart then put it back together again.

“Don’t show it to the adults,” said one of my little cousins, when he saw me pick up the stick, “or they’ll start crying as they remember their mom.”

But I saw no reason to cry that day, instead I was suddenly filled with happiness, and I felt… warm all over. My grandma was truly an amazing person, never once did she criticize us or shout at us, even though we were the most annoying little children. She never complained to us, her grandchildren, or her own children, even if she was in excruciating pain. She was always there for us, always supporting us through every decision we made, always bringing us closer together, always giving us delicious food!

It was a tradition that every Thursday all her children and their children would go to her house. It’s been there for as long as I remember, ever since I was a little kid that used to sneak into her room and go through her drawers. And as we grew older that tradition still persisted, although now that we were teenagers we’d start going less because we had more important plans that day, different plans with our friends. Some of us went to universities abroad, and got to see her once every few months. Sometimes we just wouldn’t go because we didn’t feel like it, because we took her for granted. But now that she’s gone, now that we haven’t seen her small cozy house in over a year, we realized how remarkable she is, how those days we all used gather in her house were one of the best days of our lives, and we won’t get to have that again, we won’t get to see her sitting in her favorite chair with her walking stick next to her again, we won’t get to be a complete family ever again.

While it’s sad to realize all that, I choose to remember her with happiness, with pride that she was my grandmother, and love for all the sacrifices she’s made for us even though we didn’t notice them at first. I love you grandma, and may you rest in peace. As for those who can, tell your grandma you love her today, and never take her or anyone close to you for granted.

الله يرحمك ويجعل مثواك الجنة

What if I Re-live a Day in the Past?

I wonder what would it be like to go back in time, and re-live just a day in my high school senior year. It wasn’t that long ago; it’s only been a year, but I have changed so much in this one year, and I think that if I go back and live one day in that time, I would see everything from a completely different perspective.

I used to think I was happy in my senior year, that it’s one of the best years of my life, that my classmates were the best anyone could ever have, and our silly little adventures were the most awesome thing ever. And yes, I know it’s only been a year, but I have gone through a lot in this short while, I’m almost through my first year in medicine, I’ve met new people with different backgrounds, beliefs and ideas, I’ve become friends with people I used to hate, started finding things I used to love stupid, fell in love with new things I never thought I’d actually like, and found other people I used to adore just simply silly. I’ve heard stories about other schools, other classmates and other adventures that put mine to shame. University does tend to change your views and perspectives, everyone told me. 

That’s what makes me wonder: if I go back in time and re-live a day of high school that I remember as an amazing one, would I still see it like that? Would I find the things I used to go through wonderful? Would I find my classmates and our adventures as cool as I used to think they were? Would I find myself happy in those days, like I thought I was?

It’s amazing how experiences can change you and your outlook on life. And I’m saying that even though I’m only an 18-year old, who’s barely seen anything in the world. So what would it be like when I’m 40 or 50? How much will I change? How much more will I learn? It’s really all exciting and intimidating at the same time, isn’t it?!

Fleeting Moments of Happiness

I live for these moments. I don’t mean generally feeling happy or satisfied with how my life’s going, but these fleeting moments when something great happens, and in that instant you just want to jump in the air and throw a 3-second party. Like getting the first comment on your blog which means someone out there is actually reading, or finding something you’ve been looking for for ages, solving a mystery that’s been on your mind, all the pieces of the puzzle finally coming together, someone important to you telling you that you did a great job and that they’re proud of you, or someone telling you the book or movie you recommended was amazing, finding out your best friend is coming for a visit from halfway across the world in nine days, these sorts of stuff.

These moments really mean a lot to me because most of the time I don’t really know what I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling it. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who goes through that as well. I’d be very frustrated but I wouldn’t know why and what’s wrong, or I’d suddenly feel sad and just want to curl up on my bed for no apparent reason. These moments however,are moments of pure joy and happiness, and I’d feel warm and fuzzy all over, then jump around and shout (when I’m alone), and I love when that happens, when I’m aware of how I’m feeling and the reason I’m feeling it.

I Have the Flu

You know when you’re very sick and you just want to be alone and sulk in your own misery and self-pity? But you can’t do that because you have to go to social events and socialize, force a smile or a laugh even though that’s the last thing you want to do? That’s basically a summary of my day.
I hate being sick, although I get sick often. I literally catch the flu every couple of weeks! My life sucks. This time though, it’s like a mixture of four diseases at once, and I am so tired I feel like I’m dying. But throughout the whole day I’ve had to be around people, socialize, talk and joke. it was exhausting. I was super socially awkward, even with all my attempts of opening conversations. It was all awkward, I just wanted to go back home to my comfortable bed and feel sorry for myself because of my low immunity. I even fell asleep on the dinner table for a couple of minutes.
Well, at least my cold was a topic we discussed in that dinner, making it less awkward.
I really hate being sick, it just takes away all my energy. How am I supposed to impress my crush like this? !

They Did it Again

Oh you.
Did you get this as a child?

Time Management

Oh my God. I am the master of wasting time. I don’t know where the 24 hours of the day go! I seriously need to learn some time managing skills. I mean, this is what happens:
I make a list of the things I need to do on a particular day, even the little ones at times because I’m a very forgetful person. And let’s say I come home from university and eat and change, then I decide to start doing those tasks. BUT SUDDENLY IT’S 8PM AND IM TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING! And the most frustrating thing is that most of that time is wasted while I’m just lying down on my bed or on the floor, thinking of small little stupid stuff that I forget instantly, which is absolutely useless. I swear I waste so much time doing that, and it sucks that I never have the willpower to get up and get on with my day 😦
So, yeah. I need time management skills and I need them now. Help please

Fear

Today was just like any normal day, where I woke up groggy, and went to university. However, my first lecture was very interesting, and is the reason I’m starting this blog. Sure, maybe nobody will ever read this, or people wouldn’t like it, but I’m going to do it anyways.

The lecture was about emotional intelligence, something I still can’t comprehend clearly. The professor started the lecture by asking us why we thought emotional intelligence is important, then showed us a clip from Shrek (pretty awesome right?), where Donkey is afraid of crossing a bridge over lava, then Shrek scares him into the other side, and he reaches the castle safely. The emotion in this scene was fear, so she asked us each to think about what our fear in life is. My thoughts jumped to spiders obviously, but then I thought about my deep internal fear, which is to live and die without having accomplished anything in my life, without leaving my footprints, without having affected people on Earth’s lives in any way. Oblivion. And that is something I fear everyday, when I learn how people younger than me or my age make discoveries that save millions of lives, or when my own friends follow their ambitions until they achieve them all, while I’m just moping around and my biggest problems are things like what to wear tomorrow or why is she mad at me.

The professor then tells us that the bridge from the Shrek video represents life, and how we’re going to cross it, from birth till death, but we’ll be accompanied by a lot of emotions, like fear. Fear is a good emotion, she said, it helps us survive. However, if I choose to surrender to some fears, and not move forwards in my life (like how Donkey wanted to go back), I will never achieve anything, I will keep moving backwards until I am trapped in my own cocoon of fear. She told us that we need to keep moving on that bridge, that we’ll always be afraid, fear will always accompany us, but we must not give up because of it, or turn our backs on our dreams and ambitions, we have to keep moving forwards. No one isn’t afraid of anything, the greatest singers, actors, or politicians are afraid when they get on stage, but they do it anyways, because this fear or nervousness they feel before a big show proves that they’re going somewhere in their lives, that they’re doing something and following their dreams.

How did all this affect me? Well, I’m a medical student, which I’m proud of, maybe someday I will save lives and that would be my impact on Earth. However, I’ve always wanted to write. I want to publish a book or a story before I die. I’m not even a good writer, English isn’t even my native language, and all around me are people my age who write so much better than I do, who already work for magazines and get paid for writing, who speak English much more fluently. Heck, a 7th grader I know already published two books! So, I was afraid. What if I wasn’t good enough? What will everyone say if they read anything I wrote? Would they like it? Would they make fun of me?

All this made me hold back, move backwards, and I never followed that dream I had, of being the next Mitch Albom or J.K Rowling. But this professor, I really thank you even though I forgot your name, convinced me of moving forwards, of going after what I wanted, or I will forever be trapped in the same place, feeling guilty about why I never tried, wondering what if i did that or what if I tried?

So here I am, attempting to write, improving my skills, taking baby steps towards my ambitions, and I encourage everyone not to be afraid, and to do the same. Maybe I will publish a book, and that’s how I will change the world. Maybe I will fail, but at least I would have tried, and I won’t have any regrets.

So, here goes nothing. My first post 😀